What we do know however is that challenging and “externalised” behaviour’s like hitting, swearing and aggression are not simply “bad behaviour” but a stress response, as our child/young person is finding it difficult to regulate intense emotions. Remembering that their body is going into stress/survival mode and the brain too has switched from thinking to survival can be helpful. In doing so, we recognise that the behaviour is about stress and distress, not simple defiance or manipulation.
Whilst knowing this can increase our empathy and guide or responses, we are aware that it can still be incredibly challenging – and employing our own regulation skills, whilst necessary, is sometimes tricky, particularly when emotions and behaviours are so intense.
Some helpful things to remember are:
Calm is Contagious – sends the message you are safe with me
Connection before Correction – the survival brain is in charge
Modelling Regulation – each time this is modelled, sense of safety is reinforced and strengthened
The goal isn’t Independence – it’s Trust – shared regulation and empathy help the child/young person to internalise the calm over time. (The Contented Child)
Being mindful of our words and reactions is also central to calming the emotional brain. Where possible, reflective, curious language can be therapeutic and assist with regulation and allow the brain to begin to feel safe again. Affirming communication might include:
You don’t have to talk, we can just breathe together
Let’s take this one step at a time
Let’s find something that helps your body feel steady
You are safe even though it feels big right now
I’m here and we will get through this together. (The Contented Child)
Remember, these statements are often useful for us adults too, when practicing our own care and self-maintenance.
Should you wish to speak more with a therapeutic practitioner please contact the FCAV’s CAP for an appointment.
